my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
