she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
