Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
