Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
