what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
