i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
