She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
