god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
