he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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