hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I could make wine with my vomit
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
