I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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