I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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