11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
