i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This baby is an asshole
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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