well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
