fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
