Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
