My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
