i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
