apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
