There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
