i was born a porn star she said
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
