only you would photoshop your dick
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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