dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Randomize
