In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
vagina is talking i cant
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
