my being single is dangerous.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
