i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
