My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
