We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
