She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
