***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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