I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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