i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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