I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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