Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
