he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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