This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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