Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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