He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
