Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
