By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
