Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Success! We fucked roommates!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
