2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
