oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
