well you can't waste a boner
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
