Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Randomize
