my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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