and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
