trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
