That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
