Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
