I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
