k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
