im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
