Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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