the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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